An apology too late.

 

Today, I lost my sister. No, not my blood sister- I lost my choice sister.

I lost my cheer leader, my friend and my soulmate.

When people ask me how, I don’t know whether to tell them what killed her

Or what killed our love.

I lost her twice. To pride and to cancer.

A cancer I didn’t know existed because of pride.

So, when you ask me how I feel, I don’t know how to explain.

This is me trying anyways, this is my apology, Queen.

 

I feel regret so strong, even awareness of your forgiving spirit doesn’t help

I feel pain so bad, when I cut it feels better.

I feel hate at its peak. I don’t believe in love anymore.

I have so many wishes, I’m drunk on them.

I wish I spoke to you in January.

I wish I called you when I felt the urge to.

I wish that when you called in march,

I answered.

I wish that I didn’t ask for space.

I feel stupid for not noticing the wavering of your voice,

And careless for not taking note of the slouch that was once non existent

I wish I read the pain in your eyes.

I’m shattered that I wasn’t there for you.

 

And in all of these things, I’m sorry.

I’m so desperately sorry, it hurts to breathe.

I watch our videos and stare at our pictures.

I want more time to love you.

I want our children to grow up together

I want you to come back. I know, you were in pain

But I want you back. Maybe to appease my conscience

Or maybe to see the steadfast love in your eyes.

Or just to hear you say, you forgive me.

 

I want you to know that I have a trillion losses

With you being gone.

And no, my Queen, it wasn’t worth it.

The year without you was hell.

I wish I spoke to you.