'Yinka, Where is Your Huzband'

 

‘Yinka, Where is Your Huzband?’

I cannot be the only one who sees the title of this book, and answers in their head.

It goes- Huzband no dey!!!

I like this book for so many reasons, biased reasons and unbiased too.

I like it because it was written by a woman first, and secondly because it was written by a Nigerian woman.

 

Huzband. Pronounced auzband.

I enjoy how Damilola takes us on Yinka’s journey in search for her Huzband- I love how honest the journey is, the way Yinka is portrayed. Confident and otherwise, how she draws out a plan, the dynamic of her friendships, and of course her very Nigerian mother.

Another thing that stands out for me in Damilola’s work is how she shows the internet to be Yinka’s friend first, with a plethora of her hilarious search histories ranging from ‘what are the chances of meeting a guy and getting married when you’re a thirty-something woman’ to ‘Good excuses for not going to a Bridal shower’ Damilola is certainly not a stone-age writer.

It's promised that you’re going to get a front row experience to all of the drama that is Yinka’s life. From Femi, her first and now her ex, to being let go at her place of work, then Alex from aunty Debbie. You’ll also see the classic and cliché hiding your feelings under the guise of ‘hate’ with her ‘friend’ Donovan and you’ll get to see the one man that slapped her out of her trance; Marcus who chickens out when he finds out that Yinka is a vargeeeen (virgin). I won’t tell you how many times Yinka called him when he ghosted her, me too I wanted to slap her.

It’s like watching Friends, the relationship between Yinka, Jon, Ola, Rachel and Nana is just miles away from being catastrophic. Aunty Debbie, Ola, Yinka, and Yinka’s mum dance around each other to the beat of comparison, there’s nothing that will rightly explain the dizziness you’d feel when it has been sang to you severally that you could try a little better to be like another person.

The growth and transition of the characters is one that deserves a standing ovation. Yinka, being our main character went from her big chop, to a weave, back to her hair. She also went from not caring that she didn’t have a Huzband, to needing one before Rachel’s wedding, and lastly to being content without one. Her journey with her insecurities is also really beautiful to see. Yinka at the end also got to do what she loved most in the world, work in charity! There’s nothing better than doing what you love.

I love how compromises where reached, between Yinka and her mom. How her mom came to realise, in her words that ‘Happiness is the utmost Importance’.

The best part of the book, the part which will leave you at the edge of your sir is when Yinka, asks to say a prayer in church I thought her mother was going to march to the pulpit and give her a dirty slap. The next best is where Yinka gets her mum to cry, and be honest about the loss of her own Huzband.

When I said the book was a journey, I wasn’t joking, the events are categorized from January to July, a whole whipping 7 months of the year!!! If this were my life, I’d never stop sweating.

Damilola Blackburn did a beautiful job of capturing the life of Nigerian women specifically and African women at large, it however leaves me thinking about Yinka and Donovan and whether their ‘friendship’ flourished. At many points in the book, you’ll catch yourself sending Aunty Blessing virtual hugs and doing the opposite for Aunty Blessing.

I loved it, you’ll love it too.

 

 

Temi's Discrepancy.

 

/SENSITIVITY/- a tendency to have strong emotional reactions, especially to be offended easily.

Temi constantly likened her emotions to blown up balloon, she opined that the slightest thing could deflate her. She was constantly aware, overly observant and read the actions of people like it was a best seller. She was constantly at war with words, words often spoken with nonchalance. Every night, the words of men put her to bed, and each morning served as her alarm.

Temi’s skin was very aware too, it was as flexible as dough subject to the shift and turn of the baker’s fingers and submitted to his strength. Every pinch too hard, her skin was dressed in scars from actions that whispered on the skin of others, while they screamed on hers. She was like a flower, frail and beautiful- plucked and serving limited purpose, at least that was what she thought.

Temi hated being so sensitive, it was a curse.

/EMPATHY/- the ability to understand how someone feels because you can imagine what it is like to be like them.

The thing is, she was also an empath. So, she lived her life in other’s shoes, it could be said that it was not her life that she lived, but the life of whoever she understood. Temi was attuned to hurt, she knew how it was to have your emotions slashed, so she never slashed.

Temi was burdened with the knowledge of pain, much pain had been given to her- as a result she awarded herself the obligation to treat others with care. Knowledge didn’t bring freedom for her, it brought chains.

This was how she carried on, understanding everyone. When you think of Temi, think of a warrior with a sword in his middle, and a hand to his wound, crawling in pain, not giving up but struggling to take others to safety. Temi and her heart heavy with pain walked around, promising that it would be okay, because she knew more than anyone what it was to be not okay.

/PEOPLE PLEASER/- a person who tries to make others happy, at the expense of their comfort.

She lived for others, and the only time she was really happy was when she was serving someone. Like a junkie starved of heroin, she itched when she had nothing to do for people, and like a workaholic she loved the feeling of being spent.

But the thing about doing for people is that you believe that they’ll do for you too. Temi believed so much that if she continued to give herself, she’ll never really have to search for help if she needed it- but you know and I know that lies like masquerades danced in her belief.  

So, Temi gave- and when in need, was merged with disappointment. She became one with heart ache, they were declared so by this self-acclaimed preacher called people pleaser.

/BOUNDARIES /- something that indicates or fixes a limit, or the extent to which a thing will go.

At this point, I’m sure you know as much as I know that Temi didn’t know when to stop. She didn’t even know how to stop. There seemed to be no lines, no middle ground. She was either over doing it or over doing it. The concept of boundaries seemed too harsh, and how would she get her fix of a minute happiness if she didn’t do, or give.

Temi had reached an impasse, at her fountain water had ceased.

And in the words of Rupi Kaur;

“When I hit the rock bottom

That exists after the rock bottom

And no rope or hand appeared,

I wondered,

What if nothing wants me-

Because I do not want me”.

Temi came to a realization that she was all she had, that she owed all to herself first. She was cloaked with the duty to nurture her sensitivity, to appreciate it, to love it- it was how being an empath wouldn’t hurt her.

She owed her time, love and affection to herself first before any other person, that she could only fake loving herself for so long, and if she didn’t truly love herself, she couldn’t show up authentically for people. Temi had to please herself FIRST.

She knew she had to create boundaries, so she could stop when the need arose.

 

PS: I really really want to end this by saying I’m Temi, but the truth is it’s never easy. You’ll catch yourself over sharing, and over giving sometimes. Do me a favour and remind yourself that you deserve to be PRIORITY. I’ll do you a favour and remind myself too. Love you.💓