Inadequacies vs. Truth

                                                                Hey love,

I know that you know, that you are beautiful

And that your smile lights up your eyes

I know that you are perfection and imperfection

Intertwined making you such that words are not enough to describe you.

I know that you stand in front of the mirror, and you tell yourself

‘That you are beautiful’, ‘that you are wonderfully and fearfully made’

I know you put on that gown, and your eyes tell you all you need to know,

Your mirror tells you all you need to hear, with whispers of praises

And most importantly I know that you step out

With your shoulders bent, uncertainty shining in your eyes, your defensive mechanisms

Your armor, I know that when you walk you try to be bold and confident

In fact you almost fool us, no, I almost fool them

Forgetting that fear can be smelt

And that these Lions who live by these impossible standards

Will happily drink my blood.

What I don’t think you know

Is the fact that these mirrors of society are broken and two faced

The cracks showing that these people are happy, what about the parts we do not see?

What about the tears we do not see? The pain we do not feel?

The hustle in silence? Why do you, no, I, in fact we. Why do we choose to be blindsided?

Why have we allowed struggle equate shame?

Why have we lived in shame? Hiding what we are, struggling to fit into

Shapes and forms we weren’t made for, why do we lose ourselves?

Wearing confidence in secret, letting self-doubt and insecurity lead in the open

When will you find you?

When will I find me?

When will acceptance be the commodity in this market called life?

When will your potion be embraced as yours only?

2. I promise,

I promise to break through mediocrity

And make tomorrow better than today, because today is lost

I promise to break through the whispers of inadequacy;

The taunts of these invisible men, their eyes making my solid turn liquid

And my confidence to disappear.

I promise to ignore the standards that exist, the ones set by society and its forever rise.

I promise to ignore you, yes you, because you make me feel inadequate

And maybe it’s not even you, maybe I just need to build my confidence

Lol, I said build, like it even exists. I should create my confidence, a habitat,

My safe house, where the endless competitions wouldn’t reach me and where

I get to be me fully, where I get to be loved wholly, and where unconditional acceptance is served.

All of these promises, all of these things that I wish to do

This life that I wish to build, where I can be me, showing my spots,

Roaring as I like, where races are for leisure and not to prove anything

And love is the talk of the day, in fact of life, dreams I so badly want to come through.

But how? How do I make this life? And how do I live this life?

If I think it enough will it happen? Or maybe if I speak of it always it will materialize,

Why are there no steps to a happy life, where are the do’s and don’ts?

Don’t envy your neighbour, be content, be happy where you are and take one step at a time!!!!

How do I not envy? How can I be content? How do I draw the line between staying power and mediocrity? One step?? When these people are flying!?

When will this life I wish and dream for happen?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   

 

 

 

 

Letters to Mr.x : an intro to the things i never had the balls to say.

1.    I think that when you lose something good, you never forget what it was and how it made you feel

      But I don’t believe in regrets and I’m the queen of letting things be

      And now everything is falling down, you could call me London Bridge

      But maybe there’s still a chance? How do I not ruin it again?

      My fears lead me, they’ll always lead me, and they make me take risks

      Consequently making me cower, how do I know that this will be worth it?

      Maybe that’s the wrong question maybe I should ask if I’ll pick you over my fears

      I think not.

 2.   I think that absolutely nothing is sure

   That is; you and me- this love thing

   It’s not sure.

   I’m not saying I don’t love you, or that you’re not my person

  And that you don’t listen to my problems and make life easier for me by just being there

  I’m not saying that the way you love me is not the dream of every girl

 I’m not saying that this your selflessness is not the key that unlocks my heart,

 I’m not saying you are not the key.

  I DO, YOU ARE, YOU DO, IT IS, YOU ARE THE KEY

 I’m saying that this life is too uncertain

 And that humans are unpredictable

 I’m saying that hurt is inevitable

 And I’m saying that maybe to back out now is right

Because as sure as your love is, and as sure as our connection is

This life is no respecter of love or of person

So maybe one day you’ll find someone

Who is a junkie for risks and maybe you’ll

Be happy.

Think of me always

With love eternally

I’ll always be yours.

 

3.      I hope that as you say the words ‘I do’

You imagine me by your side, for just a second

Because that’s the only picture in my head

And I wish I could paint, then maybe it would seem real.

 

You, the way you fear change

And the way you knew you had me, but those insecurities

And the way they fought us

That is the way this fear fought us,

It was what kept me from saying I want forever

And it was what kept me from letting myself go, truly

It was what kept me from accepting that you had accepted me

And it is what keeps me from being there today

To scream my rejection

And now my peace is forever held.

 

 

4.      Dear ex-lover and friend,

Confidant and supporter

How do I explain that I feel free without you?

And that I no longer have the weight of the world on me

How do I explain to you, that without the stares of people

And without the expectations from you,

My steps are lighter

How do I make you sit on my sit, and wear my eyes?

To walk in my shoes and see it my way?

How do I let you know that I loved you too much

That I didn’t want people to know I was yours, and you were mine

That it welcomed invisible pressure?

How do I explain to you, that I loved you in a way the world wouldn’t understand?

And that I’d have preferred you to love me in silence than in the open.

How do I explain the tug of war that went on in my mind?

How do I explain that I wanted out since?

That I want to be your friend, I want to remain your friend

That I stayed because I loved you, that I write this because I love you

And that maybe when you read it, you’ll understand the tornado that resides in my heart

And maybe you’ll look at me with that love you wore so freely for the world to see again.

 

 

5.      It’s been 1 month

Only one month!

We may not be together again

But I love you and I hate you

I love that you grew up

And told me you were done

I honestly never thought you would.

 

I love that the cycle of my indecisiveness

And our constant banter finally got to you.

Maybe I wanted to see if you could really let me go

Maybe I didn’t.

I want you to know that

I hate you for letting me go

And that I love you too for it

Because I’m aware I never gave you my all

 

I need you to know that you did everything right

And you loved me right

That you gave your all

And the reason you didn’t have me all

Is because I’m half a person

And that’s all I had to give.

 

 

 

6.      Two months, Mr. x

A whole two months!

I want to say I’m sorry

Because, you didn’t truly know me

And that is my cross to bear

Because you never understood that drama is my fuel

And I thrive on chaos

You never understood that my veins and arteries

Are intertwined with disorder

That I loved to fight with you

Because it showed me you cared

That I got bored with easy and I loved to challenge you

I’m sorry that I never told you

I hate that you never saw through my lies

I hate that like everyone else you believed who I supposedly was

And I hate you for not seeing the me that I was scared to embrace

With all the puzzle pieces I gave you, you never could complete it

I hate you so much, that I love you for not seeing it

Because if you had, you’d have run,

So I’m grateful for the time spent with you

I’m happy you knew me at least on the surface.

I still hatelove you, and I’ll probably always

But I have hope, that the magician made for me

Will master my tricks, and cast spells that make me dizzy with wholeness

So till my magician comes.

This is Goodbye, have a nice life.