TOPE

 

Tope was my first love. Tall, dark and everything my list encompasses now. I have never truly loved another the way that I loved him. I loved how he smiled, I loved his hugs, Tope was not my everything, he was home. I’m sitting in my car watching him play with a little girl that has eyes that make my breath hitch, the crinkle on the side of her eyes when she looks up at him makes me want to speed off, go home and drink myself to forgetting. It’s exactly the same he had when he smiled at me. Tope has a child; my heart dies a little more at the realisation. Did I tell you how we met? No?

It was a party. I had succeeded severally in ignoring Lola’s request that I follow her to a party, parties were beyond me, my body would not let me move. Lola was not going to take no for an answer, and so with clothes borrowed from her because everything I owned was too decent, Lola dragged me literally to this party.

I wish he noticed me first, I wish it was my struggle in the chaotic madness that these people called music which amused him, if wishes were horses, right? He wanted Lola, the freedom in her feet and the way her hips sashayed to the pounding in the hall, I stepped back, disappearing into the sound and watched him struggle for her attention. This man is fine, is what my mind sings to me, the right height for someone like me who barely escaped five feet, dark and has the right amount of beard, this man and I already had children. Two precisely.

That was how I met Tope; Tope did not meet me until one month later at Lola’s birthday party. He walked into the restaurant with a bottle of wine in his hand, his eyes already doing their magic, sparkling. The chair beside Lola is occupied with her man, yes, she’s in a relationship and happy in it, the only empty chair is the one beside me, that is how Tope meets me, drunk on anxiety, fidgeting and struggling to breathe. He doesn’t bother with small talk, not until after my speech to the birthday girl, he spends the rest of the night staring at me and doesn’t ask me my name until the party ends. ‘Efe, my name is Efe’ is all I manage before he crowds me, ‘it’s a pleasure to meet you, my name is Tope’ of course, I scoff, because I’ve known him for one month.

A loud horn brings me back to the present, and this time Tope and the girl aren’t alone, there’s a woman with them, I’m not humble, so yes, he could do better assuming this woman is his wife. I’ll have to write a letter, I don’t think I can talk to him in person, he seems happy. He seems too happy, I come with historical tragedy. I put my car on reverse and drive away.

My Tope,

Tope, no other person has been my own the way you were. I was so sure of you, so sure of us, so sure that even as time passed and we spoke less that we would always find our way back to each other. Tope, nobody knew me like you, with you I didn’t hide some parts, all of me was known. I knew that you loved me. We had love that didn’t think twice, and gave no room for doubt.

I’m sorry for every word that I uttered that broke you, I’m sorry that because of me you never really were free again. I’m sorry that you felt you had to limit your expectations because of me. I would’ve met them, I always did. I lived for making you happy.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the pride that we both had, I’m sorry about the many fights that could have been avoided, I’m sorry that my words pierced you, I’m sorry that we didn’t even give us a chance. I loved you, I’ll always love you, Tope no other person came close. We never really were just friends; we were more than friends. ‘friendship’ did not do what we had justice. I never forgot you, you were always in my heart, each man I gave a chance, had to outdo you. They never did.

I’m not writing to disrupt your life, we’re forty now, too old for games. I’m writing because I’m dying and I would not rest unless you know that these past twenty years have been turmoil for me, I’ve missed you. I’ve missed us. I’ve missed what we could have created.

I’m writing to say that I’m so desperately sorry that we hurt each other for so long, that our feelings ran too deep, we couldn’t manage them. I always thought we’d have a second chance, and I waited my love. I waited, and now I know that maybe I should have done something about it.

I never forgot you. I carried our memories everywhere, even our pain. My antidote. Even in distance, you were still relief to my flailing heart.

I’ll always love you Tope, even six feet below.

I hope your life is full of things so beautiful, no adjective is enough to describe them.

Your soulmate,

Efe.