For the one with whom infinity will not be enough.

 

To the one who will ask, for the one that’ll hear my vows; ‘I do’ wrapped up in lilac.

 Two words dressed in apparent frailty, spoken with strength and certainty. Carried by love that I convey and that which I do not know I am capable of:

I don’t have a list, that’s how I know your love will constantly leave me in awe. When I pray about you there are two things which have been spoken of; that you love him recklessly and are totally dependent on him. That you become the shepherd’s tree, with roots unbelievably deep in Christ, so, each time I look at you I’m reminded of Christ’s love for me. The second is that you be taller than me.

To the one that the father prepares for me, I am being prepared too. I am learning patience, and my faith is being watered. I know that the world is changing, I pray that you remain anchored.

To the one who will love me every day after we meet, I’m constantly evolving, tomorrow never meets me the same as yesterday did- you have your onions set out for you, a discovery every day. It is certain you’ll be kept on your toes and life will never be a bore with me.

To the one who will wait at the altar as I emerge in silk drapes, and yes you will be crying- I pray that you plant, reap and rest. In that order.

I absolutely cannot wait to do life with you, walking on water, leaning on you, trusting wholly and exhaling. I’ve been holding my breath for way too long.

I look forward to the moments where we’ll discuss our lives up until when we met, how our lives had been simultaneously meaningless and meaningful. Our meeting, the last piece of the puzzle- our picture becoming just like the master intended.

I want you to know that you have your work cut out for you with; flaws, quirks, sensitivities and a bunch of other things. I hope than when you look at me you do not think for one minute that our walk will be easy, that you acknowledge what an inconvenience it will be, that you count the things it will cost you, that you recognize the expectations our cocoon will birth, and still choose us.

I know that with you I’ll never question my sacrifices, that as I put you first, you do same. I’m convinced that I’ll never have to ask if I'm giving too much. This love will be sure, enough, and a safety net. That your arms will be synonymous to expressiveness, I will not have need to hide. That my soul forgets what it is to hide with you.

I know that we will fight, I look forward to growing with you, learning your quirks and the things that make you tick tick tick.

I cannot wait to be your friend, to be home. To be the place that unravels you. That with me you become undone- vulnerability, softness and warm hugs await you. I know without a doubt that even when I get tired and when my energy is diminishing you will continually pour into me. Its how I’ll know that you’re the one for me. Wanting for me and not from me.

Until then, my soul mate, you’re strengthened in your evolution,

Just as I am.

All of my love.

 

Wishes upon pain.

 

 

I AM

Triggered. That’s what I am- that’s how I feel, there’s no other word to describe it, no other adjective will do it justice. The second it takes for a hand caressing a gun, and a finger to romance the trigger, is the second it takes for your presence to make me undone.

WANT

I want to call this piece stupid, but I’m yet to decide whether it’s because of how you make me feel, or it’s another way to describe you.

I despise you, and yet 'despise’ is too much a word, with emotion too great- as opposed to your irrelevance.

Sometimes your audacity surprises me, and when you look in the mirror, I want your foolishness to scream in laughter at you.

WISH

Dear- sorry, that’s a lie.

Deer, so I’d shoot you in the name of hunting. But no, you aren’t dear to me.

Despised, Mr. Stupid.

I hope you woke up today with a smile on your face, but with a heart that’s full of torment.

I hope that tomorrow when you go to bed, it’s after a bottle of pills.

I hope that your decisions hunt you- like a Lion to it's prey.

Frankly speaking, I don’t want you happy.

 

YOU

There is no proper way to express the pain in my heart, or the storm my tears have caused.

Like a red hanky, before a bull- you showed me ‘love’

And like an alcoholic to Hennessy, you intoxicated me with what could be.

I hope you experience it too.

This is why I say that maybe I was stupid- because you became all I had,

But since, this was nothing but a game of cards- the king is what you were,

 Now I have nothing, likened to a stray broom stick, somehow away from the bunch.

I want to wake up, and hear something happened to you- and I hate it

I hate it because it dresses my heart with burden.

You make me want to stand a hill and scream- ‘tis too much!

This pain is unbearable.

I’m an open zip, in need of closure.

Other times I want to walk up to you, and ask why?

I want to ask- what it was about me, that made disrespect like taking a breath in.

You awaken things I thought I had buried, and pain I thought I was over.

I hope you someday know how it feels to long for something.

And so, like wishes upon a star, but this wish drunk with pain- it’s almost a prayer

 I wish for your disappearance.

WIN

Take your award- have your medals.

Blow the trumpets! Your poker expressions- and your silence

Aided you, I’d have never seen it coming!

Congratulations!! The king of cards, a happy life and many cheers.

From the recipient of your stupidity.

FRAGILITY or something like that

 

If you had asked me last year, I’d have told you

That nobody would ever see me finish.

I have come to tell you my loves, that I have been SEEN.

Like an onion, I have many layers, we all do-

And I used to be so scared,

 Completely frightened of letting people,

See all of me.

Soaked in awareness of my flaws, and if I felt and breathed them so much,

How much more you?

And so, I tied my tongue, keeping all truth contained

Modifying all of my words, till they weren’t mine anymore

Saying maybe, when I meant NO.

Bending and twisting my standards, till they weren’t standards anymore

And sometimes, I wasn’t sure who I was,

And if I wasn’t, someone else was sure to define me;

 Timid  to some, confident to others-

There were times that contempt reigned, each part showing,

Depending on who I was with.

My life was void of identity, better that, than to;

 Love without restrictions and end up in pain.

And so, this was me; battling with truth that threatened to spill

And with the love that I was capable of.

 

In all of these, fragility soared,

Because a person cannot be completely without truth,

And so, the little part of me that wanted to care,

 without restrictions, was so desperate to be seen!

Searching in every window, the ones that never lie,

For words with no voice.

Words that speak of being antiques, to be loved

And to be special, carried with care- and saved.

Because ‘tis what I desire.

 I thought I had it!

I could’ve sworn, I found it!

Hence, the see finish.

Like a boomerang, all of my expressions of fragility, thrown back to me!

And that’s okay. I’ll try again.

Because the freedom that comes with being yourself truly,

When you wear honesty, sashaying in it - freeing yourself of pretense

It’s like, jumping off a cliff.

Only experience, can tell it all.

 

 

An endless wanting.

 

Have you ever been exhausted?

Like mind draining, a gallon of tears awaiting.

Ever tried to explain pain that you don’t even understand?

Betrayal that you absolutely cannot comprehend?

Ever craved to feel at home, like at peace

With your body and all that you are?

Do you ever feel like you’re in the crowd- watching life happen to you?

It’s like no matter how hard you try, you can’t make life work for you

From one event to another, watching life take and take, then take some more.

Have you ever wanted to scream; I mean scream so bad?

You hurt your throat.

Do you also wait until night to cry, you know; the silent tears

Into your pillow.

Is your pillow also your therapist? Friend? And judge, in one?

Is insomnia your friend? And loneliness your husband?

Can you explain this hurt that is cancerous? It keeps growing.

Do you look forward to your night terrors? You know; to at least feel fear,

Because every other time, it's like you're a breathing machine.

Is love also foreign to you?

Why haven’t you ended it?

What keeps you going?

I'm genuinely interested in what keeps you going, talk to me.💓

 

 

From 2020 to you.

 

I think the concept of tough love is so out of our comfort zones that we don’t even see it as love, its basically suffering.

This is 2020’s POV.

No, you may not like it. You’ll probably hate it. Don’t come for me, its 2020 talking.

I know, I know. I’m your worst year. I did this, and I did that. I took A and I took B.

There was the Pandemic, and then there was SARS- gunshots becoming so common it could win the Grammys. This is probably not the way to start an apology, and like every one of you who lack accountability, I’m just going to list all the good things I did, and maybe, just maybe you wouldn’t hate me so much.

I taught you to put yourself first, and to love yourself unconditionally, yes, I know it was hard but you did it!

I taught you how frail life is, and you learnt to love people too. It was hard, but you didn’t let pride win.

You learnt the value of time; you were all productive. I loved to watch it happen.

I saw you grow; spiritually, physically, financially. I saw you make moves that you would have never done.

I saw you rest; placing your mental health first. Attacking, when needed, and withdrawing when necessary.

I watched you surrender to the invisible, focusing on only what you could control.                                          

You, yes you- you cultivated habits that kept you sane, matching energies.

I want you to know that, I also saw you struggle to grasp the basis of life, trying to understand why the things that happened did.

I saw you war with your faith, and wonder whether your tears weren’t seen and your cries weren’t heard. They were. We saw, we moved, we worked, strengthening you for things you can’t even imagine.

I love you, yes you, every single one of you- and you may say I came from hell or that I have been the worst year ever- but I want to remind you that you found love, you found strength, you found hope and held on to faith, and even if you found nothing or you think you didn’t , read this and think of the times you felt you couldn’t go on, think of those tears that nobody saw, the battles you won and know that I was cheering on you, we were cheering on you.

And that you’re reading this means you survived. I’m certain you’re grateful for that.

I love you! We love you!

NB: That you gave yourself space and time to rest and just be is an Accomplishment.

thank you for reading always. I LOVE YOU.

 

 

 

walking on water

 

I want to walk on water- to have complete faith. I want to experience those once in a life time ‘loves’ that just complete you and make you question everything you knew and know. I probably read too many books, and I’ve watched too many movies, my expectations are probably too high but I want my butterflies too.

Sometimes, I crave for the interdependency, the knowing that I have someone, my person- and on those really bad days I think that maybe if I was different, I’ll find my person easier. There’s way too much thinking, too much logic, too much analysis that comes with me as a person, can you relate? I’m talking of those questions and fears that creep into your mind and you just have to analyze them, picking them apart like bad beans from the good ones, those ones that seem so necessary to dwell on till they cause ruin, and then you start to wonder if you over-reacted?

 

This isn’t even a want again. I yearn to walk on water, to have faith and trust so blindly- that it doesn’t even matter that I might fall, all that matters is knowing that I will be caught. I want to surrender totally to the cause of events, and be unbothered, dangerously unbothered. I want to go to bed knowing that it will be okay, even when it’s not. I want to get rid of doubt.

 

I do not want to sink- I want to completely and utterly be in the knowing of who I’m walking out to meet. I do not want to be a Peter. I do not want to sink. Don’t let me sink?

PS: This is a vote? of thanks to everyone who reads my blog an comments on it too, i hope that everything you do flourishes and people appreciate you as much as you do, me. love and light💓💓💓💓💓💓

LOVE: unpopular opinions

 I believe in the butterfly effects, and I've certainly been in the Butterfly stage- where your heart beats just a little faster, and your palms become sweaty, when you walk on eggshells around them, because you aren't sure they would like something that you do. 

unfortunately for me I have faith in Love, I know it exists, but I do not believe in it so much as I believe in compromise, when I say compromise I mean the moments when you want to scream at the person who you love, and just say- I'm done with you, and you just want to out, because its stressful, and in these moments you choose that person above these feelings, not that the feelings are not worth it, or they do not have reasonable basis, but that you know that they are it, and you probably will not find another person like them.

Don't get it twisted, you're yet to meet more than a million people, do not let fear stop you, 'if nothing dey for you again'. 

Very much unfortunately for me, my standard of measurement is Jesus, and I'll never be with someone that does not exemplify the kind of love that Jesus has for me, this is probably unreal- the thing is that, I'm aware that we are humans and WE WILL fall below this standard, constantly! so what happens to me, I'll never find love? I will find because, I'll create a balance, and I'll pick my pros and cons, I however will not bend on the things most important to my faith.

So, my unpopular opinion is that love is compromise, its a promise that, you and I? we'll bend each other on the things that matter, you'll run your race, and I'll be behind you, I'll push you to the extreme, and  when it's your limit I may stop, if there's no benefit for you- and we'll continue to do this, until we can no more, or until it concerns values  fixed to you, and I will respect it.

I also believe in Value, I think that first you value them, you admire them, and you just want to learn from them, because they are so different from you, I think love comes a little bit later, and is the least important.

The thing is that, I do not believe that five years after, I'll look at you and not believe I have you, or cannot believe you stuck with me, or I'll look at you and my heart would flutter- no, I yearn to look at someone and think, we grew together, and we deserve each other because we are so amazing, I want to look at someone and notice all their flaws, and think to myself- these things do not matter. 

To be very honest, I don't know that this exists, but this is what I want-what do you want?

Letters to Mr.x : an intro to the things i never had the balls to say.

1.    I think that when you lose something good, you never forget what it was and how it made you feel

      But I don’t believe in regrets and I’m the queen of letting things be

      And now everything is falling down, you could call me London Bridge

      But maybe there’s still a chance? How do I not ruin it again?

      My fears lead me, they’ll always lead me, and they make me take risks

      Consequently making me cower, how do I know that this will be worth it?

      Maybe that’s the wrong question maybe I should ask if I’ll pick you over my fears

      I think not.

 2.   I think that absolutely nothing is sure

   That is; you and me- this love thing

   It’s not sure.

   I’m not saying I don’t love you, or that you’re not my person

  And that you don’t listen to my problems and make life easier for me by just being there

  I’m not saying that the way you love me is not the dream of every girl

 I’m not saying that this your selflessness is not the key that unlocks my heart,

 I’m not saying you are not the key.

  I DO, YOU ARE, YOU DO, IT IS, YOU ARE THE KEY

 I’m saying that this life is too uncertain

 And that humans are unpredictable

 I’m saying that hurt is inevitable

 And I’m saying that maybe to back out now is right

Because as sure as your love is, and as sure as our connection is

This life is no respecter of love or of person

So maybe one day you’ll find someone

Who is a junkie for risks and maybe you’ll

Be happy.

Think of me always

With love eternally

I’ll always be yours.

 

3.      I hope that as you say the words ‘I do’

You imagine me by your side, for just a second

Because that’s the only picture in my head

And I wish I could paint, then maybe it would seem real.

 

You, the way you fear change

And the way you knew you had me, but those insecurities

And the way they fought us

That is the way this fear fought us,

It was what kept me from saying I want forever

And it was what kept me from letting myself go, truly

It was what kept me from accepting that you had accepted me

And it is what keeps me from being there today

To scream my rejection

And now my peace is forever held.

 

 

4.      Dear ex-lover and friend,

Confidant and supporter

How do I explain that I feel free without you?

And that I no longer have the weight of the world on me

How do I explain to you, that without the stares of people

And without the expectations from you,

My steps are lighter

How do I make you sit on my sit, and wear my eyes?

To walk in my shoes and see it my way?

How do I let you know that I loved you too much

That I didn’t want people to know I was yours, and you were mine

That it welcomed invisible pressure?

How do I explain to you, that I loved you in a way the world wouldn’t understand?

And that I’d have preferred you to love me in silence than in the open.

How do I explain the tug of war that went on in my mind?

How do I explain that I wanted out since?

That I want to be your friend, I want to remain your friend

That I stayed because I loved you, that I write this because I love you

And that maybe when you read it, you’ll understand the tornado that resides in my heart

And maybe you’ll look at me with that love you wore so freely for the world to see again.

 

 

5.      It’s been 1 month

Only one month!

We may not be together again

But I love you and I hate you

I love that you grew up

And told me you were done

I honestly never thought you would.

 

I love that the cycle of my indecisiveness

And our constant banter finally got to you.

Maybe I wanted to see if you could really let me go

Maybe I didn’t.

I want you to know that

I hate you for letting me go

And that I love you too for it

Because I’m aware I never gave you my all

 

I need you to know that you did everything right

And you loved me right

That you gave your all

And the reason you didn’t have me all

Is because I’m half a person

And that’s all I had to give.

 

 

 

6.      Two months, Mr. x

A whole two months!

I want to say I’m sorry

Because, you didn’t truly know me

And that is my cross to bear

Because you never understood that drama is my fuel

And I thrive on chaos

You never understood that my veins and arteries

Are intertwined with disorder

That I loved to fight with you

Because it showed me you cared

That I got bored with easy and I loved to challenge you

I’m sorry that I never told you

I hate that you never saw through my lies

I hate that like everyone else you believed who I supposedly was

And I hate you for not seeing the me that I was scared to embrace

With all the puzzle pieces I gave you, you never could complete it

I hate you so much, that I love you for not seeing it

Because if you had, you’d have run,

So I’m grateful for the time spent with you

I’m happy you knew me at least on the surface.

I still hatelove you, and I’ll probably always

But I have hope, that the magician made for me

Will master my tricks, and cast spells that make me dizzy with wholeness

So till my magician comes.

This is Goodbye, have a nice life.