From 2020 to you.

 

I think the concept of tough love is so out of our comfort zones that we don’t even see it as love, its basically suffering.

This is 2020’s POV.

No, you may not like it. You’ll probably hate it. Don’t come for me, its 2020 talking.

I know, I know. I’m your worst year. I did this, and I did that. I took A and I took B.

There was the Pandemic, and then there was SARS- gunshots becoming so common it could win the Grammys. This is probably not the way to start an apology, and like every one of you who lack accountability, I’m just going to list all the good things I did, and maybe, just maybe you wouldn’t hate me so much.

I taught you to put yourself first, and to love yourself unconditionally, yes, I know it was hard but you did it!

I taught you how frail life is, and you learnt to love people too. It was hard, but you didn’t let pride win.

You learnt the value of time; you were all productive. I loved to watch it happen.

I saw you grow; spiritually, physically, financially. I saw you make moves that you would have never done.

I saw you rest; placing your mental health first. Attacking, when needed, and withdrawing when necessary.

I watched you surrender to the invisible, focusing on only what you could control.                                          

You, yes you- you cultivated habits that kept you sane, matching energies.

I want you to know that, I also saw you struggle to grasp the basis of life, trying to understand why the things that happened did.

I saw you war with your faith, and wonder whether your tears weren’t seen and your cries weren’t heard. They were. We saw, we moved, we worked, strengthening you for things you can’t even imagine.

I love you, yes you, every single one of you- and you may say I came from hell or that I have been the worst year ever- but I want to remind you that you found love, you found strength, you found hope and held on to faith, and even if you found nothing or you think you didn’t , read this and think of the times you felt you couldn’t go on, think of those tears that nobody saw, the battles you won and know that I was cheering on you, we were cheering on you.

And that you’re reading this means you survived. I’m certain you’re grateful for that.

I love you! We love you!

NB: That you gave yourself space and time to rest and just be is an Accomplishment.

thank you for reading always. I LOVE YOU.

 

 

 

An apology too late.

 

Today, I lost my sister. No, not my blood sister- I lost my choice sister.

I lost my cheer leader, my friend and my soulmate.

When people ask me how, I don’t know whether to tell them what killed her

Or what killed our love.

I lost her twice. To pride and to cancer.

A cancer I didn’t know existed because of pride.

So, when you ask me how I feel, I don’t know how to explain.

This is me trying anyways, this is my apology, Queen.

 

I feel regret so strong, even awareness of your forgiving spirit doesn’t help

I feel pain so bad, when I cut it feels better.

I feel hate at its peak. I don’t believe in love anymore.

I have so many wishes, I’m drunk on them.

I wish I spoke to you in January.

I wish I called you when I felt the urge to.

I wish that when you called in march,

I answered.

I wish that I didn’t ask for space.

I feel stupid for not noticing the wavering of your voice,

And careless for not taking note of the slouch that was once non existent

I wish I read the pain in your eyes.

I’m shattered that I wasn’t there for you.

 

And in all of these things, I’m sorry.

I’m so desperately sorry, it hurts to breathe.

I watch our videos and stare at our pictures.

I want more time to love you.

I want our children to grow up together

I want you to come back. I know, you were in pain

But I want you back. Maybe to appease my conscience

Or maybe to see the steadfast love in your eyes.

Or just to hear you say, you forgive me.

 

I want you to know that I have a trillion losses

With you being gone.

And no, my Queen, it wasn’t worth it.

The year without you was hell.

I wish I spoke to you.