From 2020 to you.

 

I think the concept of tough love is so out of our comfort zones that we don’t even see it as love, its basically suffering.

This is 2020’s POV.

No, you may not like it. You’ll probably hate it. Don’t come for me, its 2020 talking.

I know, I know. I’m your worst year. I did this, and I did that. I took A and I took B.

There was the Pandemic, and then there was SARS- gunshots becoming so common it could win the Grammys. This is probably not the way to start an apology, and like every one of you who lack accountability, I’m just going to list all the good things I did, and maybe, just maybe you wouldn’t hate me so much.

I taught you to put yourself first, and to love yourself unconditionally, yes, I know it was hard but you did it!

I taught you how frail life is, and you learnt to love people too. It was hard, but you didn’t let pride win.

You learnt the value of time; you were all productive. I loved to watch it happen.

I saw you grow; spiritually, physically, financially. I saw you make moves that you would have never done.

I saw you rest; placing your mental health first. Attacking, when needed, and withdrawing when necessary.

I watched you surrender to the invisible, focusing on only what you could control.                                          

You, yes you- you cultivated habits that kept you sane, matching energies.

I want you to know that, I also saw you struggle to grasp the basis of life, trying to understand why the things that happened did.

I saw you war with your faith, and wonder whether your tears weren’t seen and your cries weren’t heard. They were. We saw, we moved, we worked, strengthening you for things you can’t even imagine.

I love you, yes you, every single one of you- and you may say I came from hell or that I have been the worst year ever- but I want to remind you that you found love, you found strength, you found hope and held on to faith, and even if you found nothing or you think you didn’t , read this and think of the times you felt you couldn’t go on, think of those tears that nobody saw, the battles you won and know that I was cheering on you, we were cheering on you.

And that you’re reading this means you survived. I’m certain you’re grateful for that.

I love you! We love you!

NB: That you gave yourself space and time to rest and just be is an Accomplishment.

thank you for reading always. I LOVE YOU.

 

 

 

An apology too late.

 

Today, I lost my sister. No, not my blood sister- I lost my choice sister.

I lost my cheer leader, my friend and my soulmate.

When people ask me how, I don’t know whether to tell them what killed her

Or what killed our love.

I lost her twice. To pride and to cancer.

A cancer I didn’t know existed because of pride.

So, when you ask me how I feel, I don’t know how to explain.

This is me trying anyways, this is my apology, Queen.

 

I feel regret so strong, even awareness of your forgiving spirit doesn’t help

I feel pain so bad, when I cut it feels better.

I feel hate at its peak. I don’t believe in love anymore.

I have so many wishes, I’m drunk on them.

I wish I spoke to you in January.

I wish I called you when I felt the urge to.

I wish that when you called in march,

I answered.

I wish that I didn’t ask for space.

I feel stupid for not noticing the wavering of your voice,

And careless for not taking note of the slouch that was once non existent

I wish I read the pain in your eyes.

I’m shattered that I wasn’t there for you.

 

And in all of these things, I’m sorry.

I’m so desperately sorry, it hurts to breathe.

I watch our videos and stare at our pictures.

I want more time to love you.

I want our children to grow up together

I want you to come back. I know, you were in pain

But I want you back. Maybe to appease my conscience

Or maybe to see the steadfast love in your eyes.

Or just to hear you say, you forgive me.

 

I want you to know that I have a trillion losses

With you being gone.

And no, my Queen, it wasn’t worth it.

The year without you was hell.

I wish I spoke to you.

walking on water

 

I want to walk on water- to have complete faith. I want to experience those once in a life time ‘loves’ that just complete you and make you question everything you knew and know. I probably read too many books, and I’ve watched too many movies, my expectations are probably too high but I want my butterflies too.

Sometimes, I crave for the interdependency, the knowing that I have someone, my person- and on those really bad days I think that maybe if I was different, I’ll find my person easier. There’s way too much thinking, too much logic, too much analysis that comes with me as a person, can you relate? I’m talking of those questions and fears that creep into your mind and you just have to analyze them, picking them apart like bad beans from the good ones, those ones that seem so necessary to dwell on till they cause ruin, and then you start to wonder if you over-reacted?

 

This isn’t even a want again. I yearn to walk on water, to have faith and trust so blindly- that it doesn’t even matter that I might fall, all that matters is knowing that I will be caught. I want to surrender totally to the cause of events, and be unbothered, dangerously unbothered. I want to go to bed knowing that it will be okay, even when it’s not. I want to get rid of doubt.

 

I do not want to sink- I want to completely and utterly be in the knowing of who I’m walking out to meet. I do not want to be a Peter. I do not want to sink. Don’t let me sink?

PS: This is a vote? of thanks to everyone who reads my blog an comments on it too, i hope that everything you do flourishes and people appreciate you as much as you do, me. love and light💓💓💓💓💓💓

50 naira Policeman.

 

POLICE MAN!!!

Fifty-naira Police man

Use your words and not your bullet

The only difference between us is your uniform

And the uniform doesn’t even cause respect.

 

Fifty-naira police man,

You are not our friend-

We give you the money wey you ask for

Because we no want wahala, we do not want to die!!!!!

 

Police man!!!!

A good car does not equate fraud

And dreads do not mean yahoo work

We want our brothers and men safe!!

LEAVE THEM ALONE

 

‘Anything for us’?

Nothing dey for you

We hustle, and you earn a salary,

Live on it….

 

POLICE MAN- we no want again

Your cup don full, we want to move around without fear

And we do not want to hide what we have, because in your little eyes

And lacking life, they mean success

And threaten you.

 

We are people with a future

With plans, and ambitions

 

Satisfy your killing hunger

With the old and wretched ‘leaders’

Who do nothing for any of us.

 

The little money you get will not last

Stop being a barbarian because of 10k

E no fit buy anything now.

 

 

LOVE: unpopular opinions

 I believe in the butterfly effects, and I've certainly been in the Butterfly stage- where your heart beats just a little faster, and your palms become sweaty, when you walk on eggshells around them, because you aren't sure they would like something that you do. 

unfortunately for me I have faith in Love, I know it exists, but I do not believe in it so much as I believe in compromise, when I say compromise I mean the moments when you want to scream at the person who you love, and just say- I'm done with you, and you just want to out, because its stressful, and in these moments you choose that person above these feelings, not that the feelings are not worth it, or they do not have reasonable basis, but that you know that they are it, and you probably will not find another person like them.

Don't get it twisted, you're yet to meet more than a million people, do not let fear stop you, 'if nothing dey for you again'. 

Very much unfortunately for me, my standard of measurement is Jesus, and I'll never be with someone that does not exemplify the kind of love that Jesus has for me, this is probably unreal- the thing is that, I'm aware that we are humans and WE WILL fall below this standard, constantly! so what happens to me, I'll never find love? I will find because, I'll create a balance, and I'll pick my pros and cons, I however will not bend on the things most important to my faith.

So, my unpopular opinion is that love is compromise, its a promise that, you and I? we'll bend each other on the things that matter, you'll run your race, and I'll be behind you, I'll push you to the extreme, and  when it's your limit I may stop, if there's no benefit for you- and we'll continue to do this, until we can no more, or until it concerns values  fixed to you, and I will respect it.

I also believe in Value, I think that first you value them, you admire them, and you just want to learn from them, because they are so different from you, I think love comes a little bit later, and is the least important.

The thing is that, I do not believe that five years after, I'll look at you and not believe I have you, or cannot believe you stuck with me, or I'll look at you and my heart would flutter- no, I yearn to look at someone and think, we grew together, and we deserve each other because we are so amazing, I want to look at someone and notice all their flaws, and think to myself- these things do not matter. 

To be very honest, I don't know that this exists, but this is what I want-what do you want?

A man called Death.

 

I’m dying from guilt, the irony is that I’m death

But you get me, I’m sure you do because there’s no other way

I could possible explain the grief and torture that I live with,

Constantly hearing your questions, feeling your tears like

The shock that comes with thunder sounds, only that this feeling never dies.

 

My name is death, you could call me midnight, or the end

Some of you wish to call me names that cannot even be spoken.

But, let me explain, I hope you understand my presence after.

 

You see, the thing is that sometimes I’m a necessity and other times, a prevention

I’m not totally human, I feel your pain but no I’m not human,

The difference is that I hear the cries you do not hear, and the pretense behind those smiles

I hear the silent pleas for an end, the 3am thoughts that to be gone is better

Thus, becoming a necessity, removing pain and putting an end to those tears

My reasons are for help of course, but like you humans I need my peace- it’s always short-lived

But savored nevertheless.

 

Other times I prevent, I see ahead,

I see the things that will happen, and the pains to be felt

 The sufferings to be encountered,

I see battles so great, and losses unexplainable

So I take, I call them, never to be returned

Or else of course you believe in reincarnation

Then maybe you’ll see them again.

 

The thing is though, when I do my Job,

You grief too

Do I take you too?

Do you understand?

You can handle it, that’s why you’re still here

With apologies; the DARK man

20 hearts, 20breaks

Dear 2020,

First you took lives, and it was normal, sad but normal

Then you made a trend of it, kind of like you were testing us

Or maybe preparing us. We cried and life moved on understanding that it was inevitable

Life had to go on – but there were questions as to why you took our saints, the good ones.

 

Second, came talk of war

Accompanied with jokes, because what else could we do

Than to wait and watch –the jokes making us feel better, temporarily but better anyways.

 

Then when all was well, or at least it looked that way

You brought out the big guns – putting a hold on life

It took us a minute, but we saw it through.

 

And somewhere in the middle of all this, you brought out

Your key fighters; placing them at the fore front of this battle line

You gave us rapists and murderers, accompanied with their swords of justification

Telling us why it was so, why it had to be that way, like they were meting out punishments for sins.

 

As if all of this was not enough, as if our faiths hadn’t been through enough battles of ‘God why’

Like we hadn’t already surrendered to the invisible,

You gave us the cries of people, whose only ‘fault’ was the colour of their skin

Begging for their lives from people who breathe the same air, and walk on the same land

Who eat the same food and have equal body parts.

 

THIS, THIS wasn’t enough twenty, twenty

You planted seeds of enmity, and pierced Kaduna

With thorns indescribable, the ashes of humans like burnt offerings to you

One would think you’d be appeased, but you kept at it.

Lives disappearing, like rabbits in magic hats

Twenty twenty, we did not sign up for these tricks

The tickets we bought gave no warnings, this isn’t what we wanted.

To the next show we move.

NOT mygeria, NOT ourgeria. (The wrongrights of this country)

       THE PLEDGE PLEASE

I pledge to Nigeria, my country

Hian!!! Pledge?? As in to promise???

I might as well kiss Nigeria on her cheek, because

I can’t keep to time talk more of a promise

 

 

To be faithful, loyal and honest

Faithful? I’ll give my hand as collateral

On this bet that Nigeria is going nowhere

Loyal?? I’ll be gone in the blink of an eye for just a day’s meal,

I WANT GREEN PASTURES!!!!

Honest??? The truth is far from my mouth, same way our leaders

Sing melodies of untruth, filled with lyrics and rhymes, giving us

One one second excitement

 

 

To serve Nigeria with all my strength,

Shey we’re all lazy Nigerian youths, where from shall this ‘strength’ come?

Is it from my monthly allowance, that disappears even without magic tricks?

Or the hunt for employment as a graduate, or when to Jesus be my Glory,

The job finally comes, I’m angry and starved from micro managing and the

Only enthusiasm in my life lies in the cries of this Nigeria, wey change no gree come to?

 

 

To defend her unity

Which unity?????

There’s no law that allows for normal men

Like you and I to carry guns, which means

I cannot defend myself from robbers and

Angry men who are hungry for the female anatomy

How then can I defend her unity??????

 

Uphold her honour and glory

They said uphold ohhh!!! (Laughter)

My hands are tired from carrying briefcase filled with case files

Standing on the roadside fluffing Taxis, how then can I UP-HOLD??

‘If the tin I dey hold real, no yawa nau’

But they want me to hold something that exists only in the imaginations of people.

 

 

So help me God

Help?? God???

I’m confused- the only time we go to church is Sunday

I mean, to feign happiness, with the recital ‘it is well’

As our watch word and to showcase the latest style.

The only time we’re on our knees, not in prayer but in grumbling,

Reminding him of that which he said and has not done

Forgetting the Christ like goal, letting religion become our escape-

We might as well be lazy Nigerian Christians.

 

2.   A hungry man is an angry man,

      Welcome to Nigeria where everyone is starved, placing us slightly

      No, not slightly, way above anger.

      Welcome to Nigeria where everyone lives in rage, tempers sparking like water on naked wire.

      Welcome to Nigeria where selfishness is watchword, and ‘each man for himself’ is the mantra

    And no I’m not talking about the self-love that is necessary, I’m talking about the unnecessary            placing of oneself above the other, I’m talking about how Lara wants every opportunity for herself,   telling nothing to Lola of these opportunities that would definitely be of benefit to her.

I’m talking about the so called ‘necessary’ evils that enables our conscience to live without guilt.

Welcome to Nigeria where everybody’s business is nobody’s business and your business is everybody’s business.

Welcome to Nigeria where we wear Mediocrity as a regalia, where pot holes as abnormal as they are have become the norm and where the songs against corruption are chanted for show, where there isn’t really any passion to make things right.

Welcome to Nigeria where love is lost and to steal is part of ‘the hustle’, where crimes are fired by hunger and where nothing has ever really changed.

Welcome to Nigeria where only sharp people survive, and sharpness equates your ability to dupe people.

Welcome to Nigeria where innocence is an insult as ‘eye must tear’ and one must ‘shine eye’ because this isn’t really a country it is struggle.

Welcome to Nigeria where “there are resources” as they say but we don’t see them and where our natural resources that we speak of are said to save face.

Welcome to Nigeria where half of the one percent who stay here and ‘make it’ have their hands dirty and the remaining half are actually honest people with honest work.

Where it is war; conscience against hunger, hunger against religion

Where nobody is actually a winner

And where this hustle must continue.

 

Inadequacies vs. Truth

                                                                Hey love,

I know that you know, that you are beautiful

And that your smile lights up your eyes

I know that you are perfection and imperfection

Intertwined making you such that words are not enough to describe you.

I know that you stand in front of the mirror, and you tell yourself

‘That you are beautiful’, ‘that you are wonderfully and fearfully made’

I know you put on that gown, and your eyes tell you all you need to know,

Your mirror tells you all you need to hear, with whispers of praises

And most importantly I know that you step out

With your shoulders bent, uncertainty shining in your eyes, your defensive mechanisms

Your armor, I know that when you walk you try to be bold and confident

In fact you almost fool us, no, I almost fool them

Forgetting that fear can be smelt

And that these Lions who live by these impossible standards

Will happily drink my blood.

What I don’t think you know

Is the fact that these mirrors of society are broken and two faced

The cracks showing that these people are happy, what about the parts we do not see?

What about the tears we do not see? The pain we do not feel?

The hustle in silence? Why do you, no, I, in fact we. Why do we choose to be blindsided?

Why have we allowed struggle equate shame?

Why have we lived in shame? Hiding what we are, struggling to fit into

Shapes and forms we weren’t made for, why do we lose ourselves?

Wearing confidence in secret, letting self-doubt and insecurity lead in the open

When will you find you?

When will I find me?

When will acceptance be the commodity in this market called life?

When will your potion be embraced as yours only?

2. I promise,

I promise to break through mediocrity

And make tomorrow better than today, because today is lost

I promise to break through the whispers of inadequacy;

The taunts of these invisible men, their eyes making my solid turn liquid

And my confidence to disappear.

I promise to ignore the standards that exist, the ones set by society and its forever rise.

I promise to ignore you, yes you, because you make me feel inadequate

And maybe it’s not even you, maybe I just need to build my confidence

Lol, I said build, like it even exists. I should create my confidence, a habitat,

My safe house, where the endless competitions wouldn’t reach me and where

I get to be me fully, where I get to be loved wholly, and where unconditional acceptance is served.

All of these promises, all of these things that I wish to do

This life that I wish to build, where I can be me, showing my spots,

Roaring as I like, where races are for leisure and not to prove anything

And love is the talk of the day, in fact of life, dreams I so badly want to come through.

But how? How do I make this life? And how do I live this life?

If I think it enough will it happen? Or maybe if I speak of it always it will materialize,

Why are there no steps to a happy life, where are the do’s and don’ts?

Don’t envy your neighbour, be content, be happy where you are and take one step at a time!!!!

How do I not envy? How can I be content? How do I draw the line between staying power and mediocrity? One step?? When these people are flying!?

When will this life I wish and dream for happen?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   

 

 

 

 

Letters to Mr.x : an intro to the things i never had the balls to say.

1.    I think that when you lose something good, you never forget what it was and how it made you feel

      But I don’t believe in regrets and I’m the queen of letting things be

      And now everything is falling down, you could call me London Bridge

      But maybe there’s still a chance? How do I not ruin it again?

      My fears lead me, they’ll always lead me, and they make me take risks

      Consequently making me cower, how do I know that this will be worth it?

      Maybe that’s the wrong question maybe I should ask if I’ll pick you over my fears

      I think not.

 2.   I think that absolutely nothing is sure

   That is; you and me- this love thing

   It’s not sure.

   I’m not saying I don’t love you, or that you’re not my person

  And that you don’t listen to my problems and make life easier for me by just being there

  I’m not saying that the way you love me is not the dream of every girl

 I’m not saying that this your selflessness is not the key that unlocks my heart,

 I’m not saying you are not the key.

  I DO, YOU ARE, YOU DO, IT IS, YOU ARE THE KEY

 I’m saying that this life is too uncertain

 And that humans are unpredictable

 I’m saying that hurt is inevitable

 And I’m saying that maybe to back out now is right

Because as sure as your love is, and as sure as our connection is

This life is no respecter of love or of person

So maybe one day you’ll find someone

Who is a junkie for risks and maybe you’ll

Be happy.

Think of me always

With love eternally

I’ll always be yours.

 

3.      I hope that as you say the words ‘I do’

You imagine me by your side, for just a second

Because that’s the only picture in my head

And I wish I could paint, then maybe it would seem real.

 

You, the way you fear change

And the way you knew you had me, but those insecurities

And the way they fought us

That is the way this fear fought us,

It was what kept me from saying I want forever

And it was what kept me from letting myself go, truly

It was what kept me from accepting that you had accepted me

And it is what keeps me from being there today

To scream my rejection

And now my peace is forever held.

 

 

4.      Dear ex-lover and friend,

Confidant and supporter

How do I explain that I feel free without you?

And that I no longer have the weight of the world on me

How do I explain to you, that without the stares of people

And without the expectations from you,

My steps are lighter

How do I make you sit on my sit, and wear my eyes?

To walk in my shoes and see it my way?

How do I let you know that I loved you too much

That I didn’t want people to know I was yours, and you were mine

That it welcomed invisible pressure?

How do I explain to you, that I loved you in a way the world wouldn’t understand?

And that I’d have preferred you to love me in silence than in the open.

How do I explain the tug of war that went on in my mind?

How do I explain that I wanted out since?

That I want to be your friend, I want to remain your friend

That I stayed because I loved you, that I write this because I love you

And that maybe when you read it, you’ll understand the tornado that resides in my heart

And maybe you’ll look at me with that love you wore so freely for the world to see again.

 

 

5.      It’s been 1 month

Only one month!

We may not be together again

But I love you and I hate you

I love that you grew up

And told me you were done

I honestly never thought you would.

 

I love that the cycle of my indecisiveness

And our constant banter finally got to you.

Maybe I wanted to see if you could really let me go

Maybe I didn’t.

I want you to know that

I hate you for letting me go

And that I love you too for it

Because I’m aware I never gave you my all

 

I need you to know that you did everything right

And you loved me right

That you gave your all

And the reason you didn’t have me all

Is because I’m half a person

And that’s all I had to give.

 

 

 

6.      Two months, Mr. x

A whole two months!

I want to say I’m sorry

Because, you didn’t truly know me

And that is my cross to bear

Because you never understood that drama is my fuel

And I thrive on chaos

You never understood that my veins and arteries

Are intertwined with disorder

That I loved to fight with you

Because it showed me you cared

That I got bored with easy and I loved to challenge you

I’m sorry that I never told you

I hate that you never saw through my lies

I hate that like everyone else you believed who I supposedly was

And I hate you for not seeing the me that I was scared to embrace

With all the puzzle pieces I gave you, you never could complete it

I hate you so much, that I love you for not seeing it

Because if you had, you’d have run,

So I’m grateful for the time spent with you

I’m happy you knew me at least on the surface.

I still hatelove you, and I’ll probably always

But I have hope, that the magician made for me

Will master my tricks, and cast spells that make me dizzy with wholeness

So till my magician comes.

This is Goodbye, have a nice life.